Collected by
Florence W. Deems

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These choice tidbits of humor were posted by Gregory DeAngelis over a period of several months on his Facebook page; collected and complied by Flo Deems.

Be naughty..…save Santa a trip!

When someone asks “where is your Christmas spirit?”, is it wrong to point to the liquor cabinet?

Dear Santa.. I am just “Nicely Challenged”…..it is the politically correct term for naughty!

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

If Santa would just close his eyes on the weekends…..I probably wouldn’t be on the naughty list!

"We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup. " -Buddy the Elf

New Year's Day is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions…..next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

I am always so worried about what I eat between Christmas and the New Year, but I really should be worried about what I eat between the New Year and Christmas!

My New Year’s resolution was to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes!

While ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated.....there's no cure for stupid!

I used to think I was crazy until I realized that one of my voices is a therapist and he declared I am sane!

Junk is something you’ve kept for years…..and threw away three weeks before you need it.

When she says, “Wow”, remember that this is not a compliment, but rather she’s amazed that one person could be so stupid!

They should put more bacon in each package.....so it's enough for two people.

I know some people that have minds like a steel trap…..rusty and illegal in 47 states!

Guests are like fish…..they begin to smell after 3 days!

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. (This sounds like Maxine to me!)

If the Mayans were so good at predicting the future…..there would still be Mayans!

Befriend a Redneck.....with civilization crumbling, would you rather know the guy who understands mutual funds or the guy that can make whisky using spare parts from a ’67 thunderbird?

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a punctuation mark, a gang sign, an extinct mammal and a hieroglyph.

Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

The purpose of the little toe is to find furniture in the dark!

If money is the root of all evil.....then I must be a Saint since I never have any!

If you want to be a smartass.....first you have to be smart. Otherwise you are just an ass!

I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings when I called you an idiot.....I thought you already knew!

It took me all this time to lose my mind.....what on earth would make you think I would like a piece of yours?

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!

Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

The Miss Universe Pageant is obviously rigged…..the winner is always from Earth!

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