Collected by
Florence W. Deems

ON TURNING 70: I still chase women, but only downhill.

ON TURNING 80: That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

ON TURNING 90: You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

ON TURNING 100: I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF: Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the greens fees.

ON PRESIDENTS: I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, "Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.

ON GOING TO HEAVEN: I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Back to Humor, page 8

Flo's Quill
Tandem Tooters

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