Collected by Florence W. Deems

Received via email with the credit removed. This happens more often than not I'd sure love to credit whoever did the research and collated all this.



I have Silver in my hair, Gold in my teeth, Crystals in my kidneys, Sugar in my blood, Lead in my butt, Iron in my arteries----

AND an inexhaustible supply of


In fact, NASA is now testing my output to see if I can go to the moon!



I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


  • My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

  • Middle age is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart!

  • Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

  • Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

  • The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

  • God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer to her first question.

  • I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

  • Every morning is the dawn of a new error.



  • Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

  • Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

  • You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

  • You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of the police.

  • 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

  • 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

  • An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

  • Exercise for Seniors: Place a block of wood in the middle of the living room floor. Walk around it twice. Then sit down and turn on the TV. If someone then chides you about always sitting and getting no exercise, you can truthfully tell them that you have walked around the block twice! (But better get rid of the wooden block first!)


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