EMBARRASING
MEDICAL EXAMS, 2

presented by
Florence W. Deems

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

"We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes.... You just have to leave the room ......

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery. Unable to control herself the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob whined.

Remembering her promise--before exploding--the nurse ran out of the room.
I have no idea where this story came from.

~~~~~~~~~~

Not really embarrassing, but perhaps so:

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."

~~~~~~~~~~

Folk Medicine of the Hillbilly Type:

Never Choke in a Restaurant in the South!

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue!

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

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