A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He placed four worms into four separate jars:
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol... Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke... Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup... Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil... Alive!
So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service!
WHAT THE HELL - - -?
I found a note on the fridge this morning from the wife. It said "This isn't working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........
What the hell is she talking about?
OLD IS JUST OLD!
OLD IS NOT DUMB!
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
Never mess with old people.
A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watched her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care; I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year-old bum?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
FORGET THE SHRINKS
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy".
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is $12,480 - an awful lot of money!!!. A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!!!"
"Is that so!!!" with a bit of an attitude, the doctor said. "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!!!. - Ain't nobody under there now!!!"